I haven't made it to the third coat hanger yet. There's still "Alone in the Dark."

Friend Evan, who likes to point out when the fare's not fresh at Cafe Asteria, sent me a link to a great article that follows up on (or actually preceded) a previous post of mine about uber-terrible movie director Uwe Boll.

I really, truly recommend you read this article, but just in case you're too busy throwing mouse heads in a blender or whatever it is you people do at work, I've culled my favorite lines. It's like a movie trailer that shows you every funny line or big surprise. I see it as a public service.

Anyway, on to the Boll-bashing quotes from writer "Seanbaby":

• Uwe Boll makes terrible movies. Anyone who tells you otherwise is Uwe Boll.

• Uwe is supposed to be a former boxer, but I have no way of knowing. My normal method of research, Google, only spits out "sucks" and profanity when I enter his name.

• I train in Muay Thai and jujitsu, so I think boxing is to fighting what Hungry Hungry Hippos is to fighting, but—holy crap!—I couldn't pass up getting my fist near the mouth that shouted "action" on the set of House of the Dead.

• I e-mailed (my fighting experience) information, along with the reassurance that the Holocaust survivors got together and agreed he was the worst thing to come out of Germany.

• Audiences left this movie so fast that theaters have switched to playing House of the Dead instead of using a fire alarm.

• The script is about 10 pages long, with 80 more stapled to the back that read "shoot ze zombees while plays ze techno" in color crayon.

• They must not have the same swimmingpool games in Germany, but over here, the tension in a horror scene dies when the actors start screaming "Marco!"

• "Squint at ze artifact, Christian Slater! Harder! Squint harder, dammit! Now, Tara, you vil fall down on ze floor for no reason! Now get up, zen fall down again! Ah! Look out! Now it's ze monster! Cut! Perfect!"

• After you've seen two Uwe Boll movies, watching a third is like jamming a third coat hanger into your urethra. It's certainly possible, but every instinct in your body will keep you from doing it. BloodRayne is a culmination of all mankind's suck technology.

• Uwe decided not to glamorize sex, and he truly captured the awkwardness of doing it in front of an awful film crew in a vampire costume.

• "Make love to her! First, make ze funny face! Now twitch! Twitch! Now apologize and avoid ze eye contact in shame!"