A word that exists solely to be a word that doesn't exist.

Few updates lately, I know. Work, parenthood and a back-straining stint of yardwork have been keeping me pretty busy.

But I felt I needed to make time to post about this:

One of my recent forays into the wilds of Wikipedia recently unearthed a gem of a word.

Esquivalience.

The ho-hum definition is "the willful avoidance of one's official responsibilities."

But according to Wikipedia, this word "is a fictitious entry in the New Oxford American Dictionary (NOAD), which was designed and included to protect copyright of the publication."

That's right. A fake word, made up solely to prevent copycat references from swiping all the definitions off the New Oxford's CD-ROM.

And it worked. Dictionary.com reportedly fell for the trap and included the word before being outed.

This reminded me of my family's decades-long argument over whether Trivial Pursuit includes a few fake answers for the same reason. (Mom cited this just about every time she was wrong.)

But lo, it turns out we've had it backward. Trivial Pursuit actually got busted for stealing intentionally incorrect answers from other sources.

I would hope that the Trivial Pursuit researchers behind those gaffes were promptly fired for blatant esquivalience.

Do not, repeat, do not arm yourself with the bones of Godzilla.

In one of those "don't ask how I got here" kind of moments, I found myself perusing the Godzilla page on Wikipedia today. Scrolling through it, I started to notice that the page is a treasure trove of hilarity.

Here are my favorites:

• "In the movie Godzilla x Mothra x Mechagodzilla: Tokyo S.O.S., the two shobijin fairies warn that using Godzilla's bones as a weapon is a big mistake."

• "Indeed, a translated conversation between Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan in said film reveals that Godzilla's ire towards humans is merely due to what he perceives as unprovoked attacks towards him."

• "The American version looked much more like a badger like than the original version."

• "He is also shown to have a high degree of physical strength and dexterity, often utilizing martial arts techniques in combat."

• There's really no excerpt that will do this justice, so here you go:

In Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, it is discovered that the time-travelers that had attempted to prevent Godzilla's creation had left in its place on Lagos island their own creation—three tiny Dorats—mutating and combining them into a three-headed golden abomination, King Ghidorah.

Unfortunately, they are unaware that the Godzilla they had planned to erase was later mutated by the nuclear submarine crash which would lead to the events of The Return of Godzilla. In an effort to stop King Ghidorah's rampage, an extremely wealthy corporate developer plans to send a nuclear submarine into the Bering Sea in an attempt to create a second Godzilla. Instead of finding the Godzillasaurus, the submarine would come face to face with Godzilla himself, unchanged and still recovering from the ANEB.

The Futurians’ ignorance of the past leads them to create the second Godzilla in the first place rather than removing him from history. Godzilla absorbs the power of the nuclear sub, purging his system of the bacteria and increasing his size further to 100 meters (328 feet), becoming big and powerful enough to defeat King Ghidorah.

Godzilla proceeds to attack Japan itself, but is stopped when Emmy, one of the Futurians who had turned on her fellows, resurrects Ghidorah as a cyborg in the future and returns to the past to battle Godzilla with the new Mecha-King Ghidorah. The two battle in Tokyo, with both falling into the sea, but Godzilla is still alive.

•Finally, some actually interesting information:

"One characteristic that has remained stable is his roar. It was first created by Japanese composer Akira Ifukube by rubbing a resin glove over the strings of a contrabass."

A (not so) quick wrapup of the many things going on.

I keep wanting to write epic blog posts about all the different things we've got going on lately, but I never have the time to actually write them. So I'm going to cop out and just give you guys some big updates in bullet form.

• We're having a daughter. Sorry if you're just now hearing about it, but yes, it's true. We're quite excited, nervous, etc. Karen's about halfway along and has had a pretty much ideal pregnancy. (No sickness, no super-crazy cravings or aversions, etc.) Read more over at Karen's blog if you haven't already. If you're my daughter reading this in the distant future and wondering how your dad announced the big news....um, sorry about this.

• We're adopting a cat. That's the plan anyway. Tomorrow, we're scheduled to pick up a kitten that was brought into our vet. It was found hiding under a car and has since been named "Volvo," which I assure you will not last. If this ends up causing too much craziness, our vet has assured us we can bring her back at any time and they'll find a good home. So at worst, we're fostering, but I hope it'll work out long-term.

• We're painting our house. And it is an epic affair. After two steady weeks of work, we've only completed about 1/6th of the house, but it looks INCREDIBLE. (We're going from horrible mint green to a sort of dark cedar. I love it.) Again, I steer you to Karen's blog for the backstory. We'll have some great in-progress photos soon, and I'm especially excited about my parents coming down to help next weekend.

• I got to see They Might Be Giants Friday night in Atlanta, which was great. They played a good mix of old and new stuff, although they did seem pretty exhausted from all the touring they've been doing. (Thanks to YouTube, you can see a video clip from the front row, which is far closer than I was.) I picked up an autographed vinyl copy of their new album, which will make for a fun memento. Had a great time with my old California friend Jeff at the show. Maybe too great a time, because....

• Saturday was one of the worst days of my life. Not really sure why. I didn't drink a tremendous amount Friday night, and never even really got that tipsy. But Saturday was literally a gut-wrenching day of frequent, sudden stops along the interstate. I came home, passed out and woke up about 20 hours later feeling quite a bit better. I'm blaming the gypsies who fed me before the show. They'll probably come for my baby in a few months, too. (Actually, the restaurant was tasty, if a bit underwhelming in terms of menu choices.)

Sadly, I had to miss our monthly Supper Club with friends and family (sorry again, guys), but another drive up to Huntsville was far, far out of the question.

• I've been playing around quite a bit on Facebook, which is a world of better than MySpace. If you're on there and you haven't found me yet, let me know. All sorts of friends from college, high school and elsewhere have come out of the woodwork on there. I even started a group for advertising bloggers, and it already has more than 80 members from around the world. Crazy. (If you have a Facebook account, here's the link to the group.)

• Work is going wonderfully, but it's definitely keeping me busy. Just embarked on a huge new project that should be fun. It comes on the heels of this huge project, which was a good time. I have an office now, which is a first in my career. It's quite nice and serene, and I'm actually somewhat close to my colleagues now.

I don't have much recent stuff I can really show off, but here's a fun "save the date" card I made with designer Miles to promote an HR conference. The client is a local law firm.

FRONT


INSIDE



• Our TV is broken, and it's become quite an ordeal. We took the 180-pound monster into a repair place, which eventually said they fixed it (for $125....not terrible). After dragging all 180 pounds BACK home, I realized it was still broken in the same way. (But thanks to Greg and Valerie for helping load it into and out of the car.) The repair guys are picking it up tomorrow and waiving the $50 pickup fee, but we'll see how it goes.

If it ends up costing too much more or being unfixable, we're looking at this 37" LCD by Vizio, which sells for about $750 at Sam's and has gotten good reviews for such a cheap model. Anyone out there have any other recommendations? We're replacing a 34-inch CRT by Phillips, if that gives you a sense of perspective.

• Jonas has ballooned to 73 pounds. I'm starting to think he's actually a manatee.

OK, that's plenty of updates for now. There's so much more going on, but I'll try to be better about keeping you all up to speed more regularly. As always, you can enjoy my blogging antics somewhat daily over here.

For a $25 copay, it's pretty good entertainment.

Doctor: So, what's wrong?

Me: I've had really bad abdominal cramping for a few days.

Doctor: Ooh, could be kidney stones.

Me: Really? I mean, my kidneys don't hurt.

Doctor: Huh. Maybe bladder stones?

Me: Uhh...

Doctor: Does it burn when you pee?

Me: No.

Doctor: Have you had heavy bleeding in your stool?

Me: I would have mentioned either of those things before the cramping.

Doctor: Huh. Well, let's X-ray you and see if we can find those stones!

(After X-ray)

Doctor: Mm, no stones. Are you sure you haven't had heavy bleeding in your stool?

Me: Pretty sure.

Doctor: Well, if you notice it happen a few times...

Me: Shouldn't I be worried after the first time?

Doctor: Yeah. That would be bad.

Me: Wait, should I expect it to happen?

Doctor: Whew, I hope not. Do you ever eat so much that it might rupture your intestinal wall?

(Doctor looks at my 150-pound frame.)

Doctor: Probably not, huh?

Postscript:

I was eventually diagnosed with "abdominal cramping" and given pain pills and antibiotics, even though the doctor seemed vague about what he expected the antibiotics to kill.

To date, no heavy bleeding, and I feel much better. And I can't say I'll stop going to that doctor. He seems to call it like he sees it, which I appreciate. And strangely, there's never a wait.

Hey Emily, take notes from a real poet.

As we pored through boxes for our upcoming yard sale (more on that soon), Karen and I dug up some real treats. One of my favorites was "The Write Stuff: 1987-1988," the literary magazine from my fifth-grade year.

I think it will become apparent in the following poem that I was an exceptionally gifted poet, and some of you might find yourself shocked or even angry at the fact that I didn't pursue this as a career. The experimental rhyme scheme, the nontraditional metaphor...I may have reached my creative peak at age 10.

Undertow

Once there was a little man
Sitting on the beach.
A big wave came along.
He was afraid.
It turned him white like bleach.

It sucked him out into the water
Taken away he was.
He was treading water poorly
When he asked himself
"Is this what a dolphin does?"

He was swimming rather well
When a whale nudged him in the leg.
He looked for something to hold on to
When he saw a keg.
So he laid on top of it.

Finally he came to a shore.
As he got to the beach of ice
He stated "Gah!"
He had started out in South America
And ended up in Canada.

Now, as pleased as I am with the work of child Griner, I have to say I was actually outdone by other kids in my school. Check out this opening line from a fourth-grader's short story:

One day a robot named E.L. Fudge found a crystal that breakdanced.

I'll just let you imagine the rest.

25 and sleepy? Sign me up!

A snippet from an IM chat with friend Valerie today:

Me: Check out this message that just got through my Gmail spam filter: "Hi! I am tired today. I am 25 y.o. girl that would like to chat with you."

Valerie: awesome
hee
I know how much you like tired girls

Me: Every good solicitation starts with an expression of fatigue.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

(Click image to see larger.)

I plan to use this pronunciation from now on.

I feel like 38% of a man.

OK, I'm back and will be posting a few thoughts and insights on my trip to Europe pretty soon.

But first, I have to share two disappointing facts I learned about myself today:

38%

(Apparently, compassion for loved ones and strangers in peril does nothing good for your score.)

and

I am 90% Addicted to Coffee

Just 90%? Sigh. Be right back...gotta go refill...

OK, I lied. THIS is humbling.

For the record, this isn't me...

But don't get me wrong, I'm proud of the guy.

What can nerd do for you today?

No real deep message here...just a series of coincidences:

On Slate.com today, the main story is illustrated thusly:




Then, a few paragraphs down, there's this headline:



Finally, their "Explainer" piece on real-life tomb raiders begins with this:

Video-game maker Eidos will soon release the 10th-anniversary edition of its classic game Tomb Raider, starring nerd temptress Lara Croft.

So what have we learned? Nerds are dangerous. Nerds are auteurs. Nerds are tempted by cleavage.

I was surprised about the auteurs part.

Well, it's one-third right. I am hot.

Random stat thrown out on the Mental Floss blogs today...

If you’re turning 30 this year, you’re probably good-looking and might have marital problems, because you’re so fickle.

Since Karen and I are both turning 30 this year (she'll hit the landmark in just a few days, while I have a good six months left), this seems doubly pertinent.

But maybe it's that double dose of beauty and fickleness that is offsetting the potential for marital problems. Woo...hoo?

So many Ethiopians, so little room in my inbox.

Today's Mental Floss blogs included a mention of Spamusement.com, a site where a guy makes cartoons based on the subject lines of spam e-mails he's gotten. It's worth checking out.

The one shown here is called "Your dog will love it!"

But be sure to check out "You were wrong cabinet Sanchez" and "Who will know?"

What's the best subject line in your spam folder right now?

I'd have to say mine is "Over the past year, you have received letters from a number of Ethiopian politicians, academics and citizens backing our claim."

Yes, that's literally just the subject line.

I'm pretty sure it's black, though.

Me: I'm here to drop off my '96 Golf.

VW Auto Shop Guy: 96?

Me: Yeah.

Guy: 96? (Looks out window at my car.) You sure?

Me: Um...yes?

Guy: I think that's a 99.

Me: Uh.

Random Mechanic (goes outside and looks at my car, comes back): That's a 99.

Guy: Whew. I thought I was going crazy.

Me: I'm obviously very connected to this car.

A message from...THE FUTURE!

Not to wax too futurist here, but this is a pretty great video clip about the next generation of how we'll interact with computers. It's long, but at the least, skip to the 7 minute mark to what it means for things like Google Earth.

Remember this post next time you have to drop the hammer on customer service.

A tremendously helpful piece on MSNBC today tackles how to get what you want from call-in customer service.

There are about 20 tips listed in the post, but the best one is this: The Web site GetHuman.com keeps a database of ways to get a human when you call customer service numbers.

I'm basically just posting it here so we can all find it easily next time one of us has to make a complaint call.

For the record, the best customer service I've experienced is probably Starbucks. They replaced a pricey grinder over the phone despite the fact I had never registered for the warranty (and I had broken it while cleaning it). I also sent them an e-mail about their beans being of decreasing quality, and they sent me a $20 gift card. Not bad. (But their beans are still ass compared to what you can get at a local roaster.)

Elephants: The new godless killing machines?

On the off chance you read that George Orwell elephant-killing essay I linked to the other day, you might remember that he had to shoot the elephant because it had "gone must." I didn't think much about this, assuming it was just some sort of elephant crazies.

Well, kinda. In a strange coincidence, the Mental Floss blogs today posted a piece from their archives about "musth," which is like a male elephant PMS that only comes up once a year.

So there you go. The Floss again lives up to its goal of filling our heads with random but occasionally useful information.

Gratuitous plugs, concluding with a German threat.

• Need free money? Online bank ING Direct has resumed their bonus payments for new savings accounts. The interest rate on one of those bad boys is currently 4.5%, which I can safely assume blows away anything you're getting from your bank. Karen and I have had one of these accounts for years now and love it, and we've referred quite a few of you who also seem to be happy with it. Transferring money to and from your bank account is simple, though there is a delay of a few days.

Today, ING announced it's gone back to giving you a $25 bonus if you're referred to open an account, and the referrer (me, for example), gets $10. The only catch is you have to make an initial deposit of at least $250. So if you want to make an easy $25 and kick me an easy $10, drop me an e-mail.

• Are you on Netflix? If so, why aren't you my friend? I only have two or three of you linked as "friends" on Netflix, and I'd like more so I can pry into what you're watching/liking/hating. So use my e-mail to connect with me on there.

One of my favorite features is the percentage rating of similarity you have with your friends. My closest link is with the Greg/Claypits Jackson couplage. They match opinions on movies 87% with me and Karen. Strangely, I feel in synch with longtime friends Bill and Dawn, but we officially only match 69%. After they rate all the Battlestart DVDs, that might change.

• Anybody still need a Gmail account? I can't believe it's still in Beta and invite-only, but it is. So if you'd like an invite, let me know. I have 98 left. I like it a lot, mainly because it links up with blogspot and...

• Google Reader. Anybody using this? Greg let me know about it the other day, and I'm stone addicted. It's an RSS reader, which I've avoided dealing with for years because it just couldn't sound less sexy. But you just tell it which blogs you want to subscribe to (like this one), and sends all the new posts to one place, so you don't have to keep clicking on a site to see if it's updated. It's a little problematic sometimes, but still nice.

• In closing: Long ago, my sister and I developed a theory that if you praise something to the point of sounding like a commercial, you should quickly toss in some blatant obscenity to make up for it. Since I try to keep this blog PGish, I'll just leave you with this holiday greeting from our friends in the Rhineland: "Ich haue Dir gleich eine in die Eier!" (Alas, while Babelfish's translation is quite humorous, it doesn't quite catch the idiom. Cheers anyway.)