I'm pretty sure it's black, though.

Me: I'm here to drop off my '96 Golf.

VW Auto Shop Guy: 96?

Me: Yeah.

Guy: 96? (Looks out window at my car.) You sure?

Me: Um...yes?

Guy: I think that's a 99.

Me: Uh.

Random Mechanic (goes outside and looks at my car, comes back): That's a 99.

Guy: Whew. I thought I was going crazy.

Me: I'm obviously very connected to this car.

The long road and the short road to absolute power.

In a strange coincidence, there were two news stories today about presidents amassing more power. One was Bush. The other was his nemesis (OK, one of his nemeses), Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

I just thought it was interesting to see what we consider an expansion of power here:

The New York Times leads with a look at an executive order issued by President Bush last week that ultimately gives the White House more power to control the rules and guidance documents issued by government agencies. These rules are designed to protect such things as public health and the environment, and they have traditionally been the work of career civil servants and experts. But now, under the new order, a presidential appointee will run an office within each agency to supervise their development.

Versus in South America:

Now, (Chavez) is about to become even more powerful — the all-Chavista National Assembly is poised to approve a "mother law" as early as Wednesday enabling him to remake society by presidential decree. In its latest draft, the law would allow Chavez to dictate measures for 18 months in 11 broad areas, from the "economic and social sphere" to the "transformation of state institutions."

Man, that's how it's done! Bush, take a memo.

Oh hey, if you guys need any more ideas, you could try setting fire to your own legislature.

Where are my freaking pants?!

For the AquaTeen Hunger Force fans among you:



While I wonder how you can make a full-length movie from a 15-minute TV show, I'm actually more bothered by the fact that they stole the trailer gag from Team America: World Police.

Update: Cheers to Tim over at AdFreak for showing that my rant about cartoons is actually pertinent industry analysis.

Pilotless airplane, pilotless airplane, pilotless airplane, pilotless airplane.

The San Francisco Chronicle has begun podcasting angry reader phone calls through a feature called "Correct me if I'm wrong."

In case you wonder what each of my 35 daily voicemails sounded like when I was an editor, be sure to check it out.

(Even if you don't wonder, be sure to listen to it. It's what the kids call "a hoot.") Thanks to Greg for pointing it out.

'Oh, we just use the singles to mop out the mocha bucket.'

I went into a Starbucks yesterday, which has become a relatively rare event since I have pretty good coffee at work now and I get 50% off the Starbucks we sell at the bookstore.

So anyway, I went up to the register and noticed that one of the two full-to-the-brim tip jars was topped with two $20 bills.

Me: "Wow, you have some good customers."

Guy: "Oh, we just have to consolidate it so it all fits in the jars."

Me: *Strangles guy*

I sell the same coffee as this guy and likely make better espresso drinks (because I make them with love, and Starbucks makes them with corporate greed). But I get -- at best -- a buck a night in tips.

Why? Because B&N doesn't allow tip jars. Why? Who knows? I personally think it's so that booksellers don't feel the cafe people get an unfair money-making advantage.

Claypits mentioned yesterday that she never knows whether to tip in places like coffee shops. The answer is a resounding yes, especially if you're at B&N. It's the only place I've worked where a 25-cent tip makes you the best customer of the day.

But if the guy's got two twenties stacked precariously on a wad of bills, you can give him the tip -- of your elbow! Aw yeah.

Sorry, Dawn, I don't think Will is going to make it through Season 1.

Friend Evan sends word that HBO has bought the rights to make George R.R. Martin's books into a TV series.

For those of you who haven't plowed through at least 1,000 of Martin's 4,000 pages in the "Song of Ice and Fire" series, I can only describe it as a character-driven fantasy epic that's light on magic and heavy on medieval politics. I know, doesn't that sound great?! Well, you just have to trust me that it is.

His fans are obviously going apeshit over on his blog, where he has long warned that a movie version of his series would be logistically impossible. A high-budget series, though...I think it's doable. There's little in the way of dramatic special effects since magic plays such a small role. But there would be quite a bit of siege warfare and other not-so-cheapness.

Before we get too excited, we should all remember that there's a wide gap between selling the film/TV rights and actually making the thing. I always think of The Alienist, which was quickly optioned for film in 1994. Thirteen years later, there's still no movie, and author Caleb Carr doesn't seem to think there will be.

But I remain hopeful for George R.R.R.R. Martin, if for no other reason than that people like him deserve to be popular with people who don't have morning stars mounted on their walls.

If you'd like to someday join us in scoffing at HBO's bastardization of this series, go out and pick up "A Game of Thrones." I know, I know, you don't read fantasy. Neither do I, but I made a big fat exception for this one.

Just, you know, be ready for some not-so-PG shenanigans. If you need further warning, I can tell you what the "R.R." stands for.

Who is Canada's most famous writer?

This question arose this morning with friend Open(s) Book(s) as I was telling her that I'm reading Robertson Davies, whom I described as the clear leader in Canadian literature. (He's shown here, looking, as always, like God.)

Of course, in my proud tradition of sounding more confident than I am, I decided to research Davies' real standing. O.B. countered with Margaret Atwood and Alice Munro, and I admit they probably have better name recognition internationally than Davies.

But let's leave this up to Google, shall we?

If you Google "Most famous Canadian writer," you get such storied figures as:
• Stephen Leacock (?)
• Richard Scrimger (??)
• Lucy Maud Montgomery (Give you a hint..."___ of Green Gables")
• John Glassco (?!)
And yes, some sci-fi strumpet named
• Margaret Atwood

Obviously, Google is the wrong tool here, like using nunchucks on a zombie.

But enough poking eventually turned up a Wikipedia page about Canadian literature.

I would point out that Robertson Davies' picture is the first one you see, but in all honesty, I feel this paragraph sums it up best:

Arguably, the best-internationally-known living Canadian writer (especially after the recent passing of Canadian greats, Robertson Davies and Timothy Findley) is Margaret Atwood, a prolific novelist, poet, and literary critic. This group, along with Alice Munro, who has been called the best living writer of short stories in English,[2] were the first to elevate Canadian Literature to the world stage.

So there you go.

In case you're curious, the book I'm reading right now is The Rebel Angels, part of Davies' Cornish Trilogy. If you're thinking about picking him up for the first time, I would start with Fifth Business, his famous (in Canada) first installment in the Deptford Trilogy.

Bow before the Google.

I wrote the following e-mail manifesto for the folks at my ad agency, to help motivate my more technophobic colleagues to embrace new technology. I thought some of you might also get something out of it, so here you go...

Dearest friends and colleagues,

Maybe you’ve heard, but Google is taking over the world.

I, for one, welcome our new overlord. In recent months, Google has launched or streamlined some of the coolest stuff you’ve ever seen in your life. For serious.

In case you’ve been preoccupied by less important things like family, work or America’s Next Top Model, I’ve compiled a brief summary of some of these new Web tools and how they can make you better at everything you do.

Let’s get started!

• Name: Google Reader
• Address: www.google.com/reader
• What it is: A site that collects updates from all your favorite blogs, news sites and other Web pages.
• Why it's cool: You no longer have to bookmark a few dozen sites and click on each to see if the page has been updated. Breaking news and blog postings are sent to you as soon as they’re posted. Instead of cluttering your e-mail inbox, they’re all collected on Google Reader. Yes, it’s just one of many RSS aggregators, but it’s an easy and convenient one.
• How it can make you a better advertising professional: You can follow all those snazzy advertising and marketing blogs without having to check back constantly and see if some slacker consultant/author/visionary has bothered to update his or her site.

• Name: Google Calendar
• Address: www.google.com/calendar
• What it is: A visual depiction of days, weeks, months, etc., organized in a convenient 30-day, Sunday-Saturday format. You know, a calendar.
• Why it's cool: Sure, it’s just a calendar, but it’s one you can access from anywhere, meaning you can update it from anywhere. It also has tons of swank features, like being able to search for public events (aka local concerts) and add them to your calendar. Hey, maybe you have a Blackberry. You know what I have? A habit of losing small, expensive things. So I like this one.
• How it can make you a better advertising professional: You’ll actually notice that you booked yourself for four meetings at 9 a.m. tomorrow. And you’ll remember that wine tasting your spouse wanted to go to but only mentioned that one time and then got all mad because you totally forgot and you can be so inconsiderate sometimes. You’ll just become a better person all around.

• Name: Google Docs & Spreadsheets
• Address: docs.google.com
• What it is: Basically it’s Microsoft Word and Excel. Except free, and accessible from almost any computer on the planet.
• Why it's cool: If you ignore everything else in this e-mail, remember this. You just log in, tell if whether you want to make a text file or a spreadsheet, and get started. No download, no frustration. You can save and close it at any time and pull it up from any computer with Internet access. Kiss attachments goodbye. You can keep the documents private or share them with coworkers or friends, who can also be “collaborators”
• How it can make you a better advertising professional: Well, I can tell you what it does for me. I can start writing something here, update it from home, have another writer log in and write suggestions, revise it and send to my boss, all without ever opening an e-mail program. It’s not perfect for everything, but it’s about as flexible as you can get.

• Name: Blogger
• Address: www.blogger.com
• What it is: The dominant free blog-hosting site.
• Why it’s cool: I know, I know, Blogger’s been around a long while. But Google recently finished their beta test of “the new Blogger,” which added tons of improvements. You can now drag and drop features onto your blog; you can make your blog private so your boss...er, I mean your industry competitors...can’t read it; and you can run multiple unique blogs from one Gmail address. You have a Gmail account, right? Let me know if you don’t. I’ve got about 96 invites left.
• How it can make you a better advertising professional: If you’ve never contributed to a blog, then you’ll never be truly comfortable with the potential that blogs offer our clients. Until you poke around with it yourself, it will always seem like a foreign concept. We don’t have that luxury. Our clients look to us to understand this stuff, and it all starts here. Heck, just start a blog, post on it, then erase it forever. Trust me, it’s easier than you think.

Other Google sites that are cool but I don’t have time to explain thoroughly:

• Google Alerts (www.google.com/alerts) — E-mails you updates whenever there are new results for your favorite search terms. Don’t be the last person on the Internet to read something about your client, our agency or that video of you at the Widespread Panic concert.
• Google Earth (earth.google.com) — Although this one requires a free download, it’s an incredible way to look at the world (or your neighborhood). I can’t even begin to explain the absolutely endless opportunities for this. An academic friend of mine is using it to improve emergency response times for accidents. We could probably use it to sell granola bars.
• Google Patents (www.google.com/patents) — Did you know my dad holds a patent for a “system for the measurement of ultra-low stray light levels”? Neither did I. But hey, here it is. I chose to end on this site not because I think it expands our advertising acumen, but because it expands our understanding of the sheer enormity of this information revolution. And because it shows my dad is crazy smart.

Thanks for your time,
Griner


(Note: My dad has since e-mailed me a lengthy explanation of how he simply filed the patent application, and the root work was not his. This does not sway me from my opinion that he's a brilliant guy. I also probably totally misrepresent Bill's work on response times. The moral is, I don't really understand what any of you do for a living.)

I could, however, recognize a Belgian beer glass.

Hey, do you guys get paid to look at ads every day? Well if you do, have I got a treat for you. (If you don't, then, you know, check it out whenever.)

Old Spice has launched a pretty intense new campaign to try to get guys younger than my dad wearing their...um, whatever. So visit the site, and whatever you do, don't forget to check out the "Training" and "Test" portions.

You can feel free to post your test result in the comments section. (My rating shown here is from a score of 74%. I totally could not identify the major cuts of beef.)

I don't mention it in the post, but we also ate dinner at a place that had a skull for a door.

Karen and I had a great time this weekend at the Kill Hannah show in Atlanta. We actually got to spend quite a bit of time with Dan, Karen's cousin who's a guitarist in the Chicago-based band.

In case you can't guess, that's the two of them in the picture...we went out for expensive beers before the show. I had something called a Black & White, which was Guinness over a Belgian White. Quite tasty.

I learned a few things about rock stardom from Dan. Let's see how much I can remember...

• That whole idea of recording artists starving because of pirated music? Yeah, that's bull. Despite having two major-label CDs, the members of Kill Hannah still do best off their merchandise and touring. (Dan wanted a link to this blog, so if you're reading this, Dan, feel free to correct any of these points.)

• Boob signing is still all the rage. I've never understood this phenomenon. It theoretically washes off pretty quick, and if you somehow ended up scoring with a rock star, would they really want to see their bandmates' names on your chest? Ugh. Sorry to get vaguely graphic. I should note the KH boys seemed quite uninterested in bedding their fans.

• Rock stars get sued a lot. I wasn't as shocked by this as by the fact that Dan often had to resolve the issues himself (and with the help of a lawyer friend of the band). Dan also has to do all the van driving. They drove two hours south to Florida after we left them around midnight Saturday.

• I asked Dan what would push his band to the next level. They're quite hugely popular, but they aren't yet on the same level as My Chemical Romance or these other bands that are equally or less talented. He said they need more radio time, backstage contests, etc., before shows. Even though they're doing well on satellite radio, the old-school stations still apparently make that big of a difference. Getting booked on SNL or Letterman would also be pretty big for them, too, he said. Makes sense.

• Kill Hannah does not have many fans in the 29-year-old demographic. This might explain why the only people older than us were A) Chaperones or B) Perverts.

• Every third person at a concert now records it via cell phone or whatever. Dan said he actually likes seeing all of their shows on YouTube because he can go back and see how he had played a certain song a few months back. Shockingly, it didn't take me long to find a video clip from the Atlanta show we were at. The sound stinks, but after the first minute or so, you get a really good view of Dan on the far right.

What, was the guy from "Inside The Actors Studio" busy that night?

Some of you might remember the low point in American journalism that was last year's White House Correspondents Association dinner.

It was a low point not because of what happened there — which was an incredible and biting monologue from Stephen Colbert — but because of the swooning, "Well I do DE-CLA-RUH!" response that many journalists had to the earnest ribbing of the president, who happened to be seated within IED blast radius of Colbert.

Well, just to show America that journalists haven't descended into complete irrelevance, the Correspondents Association this year has turned to one of today's most potent voices of cutting-edge satire: Rich Little.

Oh yeah, that Rich Little.

Listen, I love journalism. I hope you all know that. Setting aside my penchant for sarcasm, I truly do think it's a noble profession that asks much more of its professionals than it offers in return.

But I also think the industry is guided by people are just too damn scared. Scared of offending readers. Scared of offending public officials. Scared of partisan bloggers who are constantly looking for reasons to demonize the mainstream media.

Hey, I've been there. It's a tough balance. But being scared of offending the president? Give me a break. On a daily basis, the man is called a liar, a mass murderer, a racist, a zealot and a baffling ignoramus. I think he can handle lines like this from Colbert:

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

And Bush did handle it. The Correspondents Association president says his group got no negative feedback from the White House last year.

But journalists (and even my new peers in advertising) just haven't come around to the idea that it's a good thing when people are out debating these things loudly and passionately.

Here's a classic explanation from a fellow who I'm sure will lead the laugh track when Rich Little does his Milton Berle impersonation:

(Former Correspondents Association President Ron) Hutcheson also said that having a less-combative host might help the dinner return to its goal of giving reporters and politicians a fun evening together, without the controversy that has sometimes entered into the dinner. "My personal feeling is that this [the Little pick] is about ENOUGH" he said of the fallout from last year. "We don't need to have a blogfest and a partisan slugfest after the dinner. We don't need that."

So what we need is a cozy night of D.C. journalists and politicians, pretending to be social equals and putting aside that whole "watchdog" bullshit for a few hours? Sounds good. I think that'll definitely clear up this misconception that Beltway reporters are one matchbook and a marker away from being booty called by the political establishment.

UPDATE VIA ROMENESKO:

Impersonator Rich Little says White House Correspondents Association dinner organizers made it clear to him they don't want a repeat of last year's controversial appearance by Stephen Colbert. "They don't want anyone knocking the president. He's really over the coals right now, and he's worried about his legacy." Little promises to play it safe. "I won't even mention the word 'Iraq.'"

Sigh.

A message from...THE FUTURE!

Not to wax too futurist here, but this is a pretty great video clip about the next generation of how we'll interact with computers. It's long, but at the least, skip to the 7 minute mark to what it means for things like Google Earth.

Remember this post next time you have to drop the hammer on customer service.

A tremendously helpful piece on MSNBC today tackles how to get what you want from call-in customer service.

There are about 20 tips listed in the post, but the best one is this: The Web site GetHuman.com keeps a database of ways to get a human when you call customer service numbers.

I'm basically just posting it here so we can all find it easily next time one of us has to make a complaint call.

For the record, the best customer service I've experienced is probably Starbucks. They replaced a pricey grinder over the phone despite the fact I had never registered for the warranty (and I had broken it while cleaning it). I also sent them an e-mail about their beans being of decreasing quality, and they sent me a $20 gift card. Not bad. (But their beans are still ass compared to what you can get at a local roaster.)

I think I can fit a conference table in my workspace now. Maybe even a kitchenette.

A few quick updates to fulfill your blogging demands during a busy week:

• I've recorded my first history podcast with co-host Claypits Jackson (whom I think Blogger is now calling "Valerie," alas), and I'm mostly happy with the results. At 37 minutes without music or pauses, it's a bit long. But I think I can snip off a few minutes of banter. Still, it covers the first 6 million years of human history, so you have to cut me some slack.

We plan to knock out three or so episodes before pitching it to a potential host/sponsor/sugardaddy, so I'll keep you posted.

• I'm finishing my first-ever TV commercial this week. It's the mini-documentary piece I've been traveling around for lately, so I'm pretty excited. Still, it's going to be hard to cram all the good stuff we got into 30 seconds. Thank god for YouTube.

Because of all the work I'll be doing on that this week, don't expect too many posts.

• My cubicle has been re-assembled and now sports an extra foot of space between me and the wall. Sadly, a dozen people or so have stopped by to comment on what a big difference it made. Sigh.

Downside, upside.

So, my beloved cubicle was destroyed today to make way for new carpet.



But there was a great big upside to my suddenly nomadic lifestyle! I get to squat right next to Open Book!



And yes, that's officially the worst photo of me on the Internet. The neighbors here are great, but the natural light is not so plentiful. And before you go into mourning, yes, my cubicle will return in all its pre-manufactured glory once they get the garbage-floodwater-pee smell out of the flooring. I'm pretty sure I'm only responsible for one of the three.

Let us all point and snicker at each other's cinematic tastes.

There's been a dramatic dearth of comments in the Cafe lately, so I'm putting the onus soundly on you guys. I'm skipping town for a brief business trip, and when I return, I demand to see some feedback.

Here's your fodder:

Post the next five movies in your Netflix queue. Don't include the ones you currently have at home. Oh, and feel free to opine on my choices or those of your fellow commenters.

Don't have Netflix? Just list the next few movies you want to see.

Me:

1. Thank You for Smoking

2. Kiki's Delivery Service

3. LoudQUIETloud: A Film About the Pixies

4. Harakiri

5. Wordplay

BTW, the highest-rated DVDs in my queue are the first discs of Prison Break Season 1 and Dead Like Me Season 2, both tied at 4.5 stars. Lowest-rated is Superman Returns at 3 stars.

OK, your turn.

Gypsy jazz, gothy rock and banjo mojo.

• First off, The Hot Club of Huntsville lived up to all of friend Bill's hype. We went and saw them at a coffee shop Saturday night, and it was absolutely incredible.

The Hot Club is a four-man gypsy jazz ensemble that is sort of an homage to the Quintette du Hot Club de France, which most notably featured the best jazz guitarist of all time.

Hopefully we can arrange a group trip up to see one of their shows. It really is amazing that such a great band is based in my sleepy hometown.

• Second, all are invited to tag along to Atlanta on Jan. 20 for the Kill Hannah show. They're the brooding Chicago rockers famous among Asterians for including Karen's cousin Dan in the lineup. We'll be kidnapping Dan (pictured above) for dinner before the show, so don't miss this opportunity to see an honest-to-god rock star eat a spinach salad.

• The musical opportunities just keep coming in February, when banjo master Bela Fleck plays in Birmingham with jazz legend Chick Corea. I've been poking fun at Bela Fleck since he and The Flecktones came to Huntsville when I was in high school, but that doesn't change the fact that he really is fantastic. If you haven't heard his classical music via banjo, click here and listen to some samples.

I think that's about it for the musical wrapup. Anybody else got anything?

Great news for car lovers and Motown fans.

I've been working on new Mercedes materials for a while now, and we finally got our outdoor billboards up to replace the stale ones near the factory off I-59 here in central Alabama.

For the sake of disclosure, I must admit I didn't actually write the headline. It came out of days of brainstorming with the designer, who was hesitant to even mention it as an idea because he thought I would laugh at it. But I loved it, our boss loved it, and the client loved it. So there you go.

We have a few more boards going up at the plant, so I might post more.

Oh, and the point of the ad is that the local plant is now making three models, including the new flagship GL-Class. If you're not familiar with the Alabama Mercedes plant, it's been a huge catalyst for economic development since coming to the state about 10 years ago. We now have three major automakers in Alabama, literally contributing billions of dollars in economic impact.

More arts videos comin' atcha.

Here's the playlist of clips from my interview with realist painter Evan Wilson, an Alabama native now living in upstate New York. He's the state's featured artist for January, so my bio of him should be up soon at 800alabama.com/yoa/.

More notes below, but let's get on to the clips:



I just wanted to mention that, while everyone I've interviewed for this Year of the Arts project has been great, Evan was just awesome. It was one of the few interviews in my career where it really felt like a conversation instead of a one-way interrogation.

If you get a chance, check out his stuff on evanwilson.net. Here's a sample: