My mom mentioned via e-mail today that she plans to brine our Thanksgiving turkey before we smoke it. I love that my friends and family are constantly looking at ways to prepare meals far beyond the scope of most cooks. I mean, who else is smoking their bird, much less brining it and then smoking it?To honor that committment and keep us thinking of new ways to push the envelope, I came up with this list of turkey-preparation techniques we can use for the Thanksgivings to come:
The Head-Butterball: Deliver a series of decisive head-butts to the breast and sternum to tenderize the bird. A few swift elbows to the drumsticks and a groin kick won't hurt, either.
The Feast of Burden: Drag the turkey behind a tractor until it's learned the value of a hard day's work. Then get drunk and scream at the turkey about how college is for sissies.
The Special Delivery: Squeeze the raw turkey all the way into your mailbox, no matter how much bending, breaking and pushing is required. Raise the flag.
The Bogart: Push the bird away, then grab it roughly and kiss it. Then slap it hard and say, "That's for making me love you."
The "Lost": Ask the turkey to help you build a gazebo out of palm fronds. When the turkey asks why you're building a gazebo, stare silently into the distance and think of a long, unrelated story about someone you slept with.
The "Battlestar": Put the turkey in the middle of a table in the middle of your house. Tell everyone that figuring out what to do with the turkey is the most important thing on the planet. Then forget about the turkey until you notice it two seasons later.
The George R.R. Martin: Tell everyone how great the turkey is. Spend years doing it. Then kill it, rape it, and sow it with salt.
The George W. Bush: Kill the turkey, rape it, and sow it with salt. Then spend years telling everyone how great the turkey is.
The Advertising Copywriter: Serve the turkey the same way you always would, but just keep telling everyone it's ham.
The Sublime Strata: Roll the entire bird in maple syrup. Then in ground pistachios. Then in motor oil. Then in jolly ranchers. Then ask yourself what you've done.
2 comments:
What about the "Feast of Durden"? Fill it with soap and beat the crap out of it?
How about "America's Next Top Turkey"? First, start off by giving your turkey a total make-over....so it looks like a duck. Then spend weeks critisizing your turkey that it should do "This" instead of "this"...also complain that it looks like a duck.
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